All I want to say about prayer today is that if it brings comfort to another person to know that you are praying for them, just do it; don’t analyze.
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All I want to say about prayer today is that if it brings comfort to another person to know that you are praying for them, just do it; don’t analyze.
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 Here’s today stream of consciousness about prayer.
Do you ever think that if you don’t pray for someone pretty much all the time, that person won’t make it-- that all will be lost for them, that you make all the difference, that…. (you fill it in)? It’s another example of the ‘savior complex’ that I mentioned yesterday. Actually, it’s one of my major, on-going themes. On a rational level my prayer isn’t going to make or break any deal. But on the spiritual plane, well, I believe it does. When I say that prayer matters, million questions burst forth, unanswerable but worth asking. Maybe it’s all in the questions. But it’s also in the St. Paul telling us to pray without ceasing. For sure I have to keep praying, however often, whatever I say or do. I pray because I feel God is calling me to do so. What does that mean? I have no idea that I can articulate, except to admit that I’m just going on faith. Faith makes little rational sense to me but it compels me walk with God and try to live though a God lens. And what does that mean? The conversation never ends. Nothing makes sense; everything make sense.  I’m here at the cottage praying that I’m doing what God’s wants of me, praying that I will keep hearing God, etc., etc. etc. “Too much talk,” I tell myself.
I think I should be here, but I also feel I am letting people down at church. We are helping drive an elderly couple to their doctor appointments, and I’m not there to take my turn or to fill in for last minute requests. “How will they ever do without me?” I ask…. “Um, there’s my ‘savior complex’ appearing again.” I’m not writing this expecting any of you to come up with the answer for me. Rather, I’m writing to give you an idea about how someone thinks and prays through with this kind of spiritual dilemma, for I trust that most of you reading this go through something same but different. I write this blog so that you and I are not alone in this on this faith journey. Hearing someone else’s mental chatter might help you along the way, and if nothing else it sure helps me to put it out there. So here’s where things stand at the moment. 1) I’ve taken care of any logistics I can about the rides; 2) I’ve turned off my email for the day; 3) I’ve taken most of the morning for prayer and meditation--centering prayer and have prayed my prayer list; 4) I’m about to walk the beach, doing my best to stay in the present moment.  Thanksgiving at my niece’s yesterday. Family and friends—25 of us gathered together. Much to be thankful for. My sister read a poem she had written and we continued the tradition of toasting the absent members. That was going to be it!
“What about the Grammy grace?” I whisper to my nephew. For as long as I can remember that was also part of the tradition. Thankfully he spoke up and so did we all. Heavenly Father, Bless this food to our use and us to thy service. And make us every mindful of the needs of others. In Christ’s name we ask it, Amen  Yesterday on my cottage by the sea blog I wrote about accompanying my 92 year old friend as she was dying. Throughout the week her friends from church came and went, sitting with her at the hospital. We weren’t there all the time, but we sensed that she knew she was not alone, especially toward the end when she was not conscious. It felt like our physical presence extend to the times when no one was in the room.
My friend and I did a lot of praying. Repeatedly she would say, “I think it’s time for a prayer,” and I would start. Then she would take over and the prayer would drift into a conversation, or more accurately, a stream of consciousness of memories. If you were listening in you’d be hard pressed to identify a prayer, but to me that’s what it felt like, from the moment I entered the room until I left. And I trust that it continued until the next visitor entered the room. I believe and have come to know that when we enter the valley of the shadow of death, our entire life becomes prayer. How comforting is that? VERY!  Do you ever read the story of Mary and Martha (John 12:1-7) and think that you are both of them? I do. Today as I sit quietly thinking about God, I say, “Ah, you are Mary, sitting at Jesus’ feet.” But as my mind is jumps all over the place, I say, “Ah, you are Martha, preparing and serving many ideas.”
I’m full of Martha interpretations and thoughts about this passage. For now I’m going to stop and do my best to be Mary about it. (BTW, I believe that being both women is worthy. I like them both. So did Jesus.)  I’m here at the cottage, my first full day, It feels like one, big, all-encompassing prayer. It being my life here. No need to be specific. As the saying goes, It just is.
And yet there are some specifics, some insights that my prayer is hearing and offering. Most importantly, this sense of prayer is all grace; not of my doing, this being here at the cottage, this being called to pray for people. I try to be attentive to God’s call, but that’s the most I can say about my part in it. The experience is humbling and awesome. What I am hearing is that God wants me here, just being. God wants me just like that so I can pray for others, others who have extremely busy, complicated and sometimes tragic lives, who need an ‘outside’ prayer and prayer person. I often think of prayer as ‘holding’, holding the pain, frenzy, stress, you name it, for others so they can get through the day, through their life. Prayer lightens the burden, makes one feel not alone, shines light in darkness. I have had my times when I needed holding. I believe that it was there although at the time I wasn’t usually aware of the who, when or where of it. That didn’t seem to be important. So now, today, I have a list of people and situations I’m praying for. Some of recipients know, but most have no idea that I’m praying for them. It’s a grace-filled calling.  Smithsonian I had a call from my sister this morning, so full of life energy, overflowing with glowing reports of the museum visiting that she and my other sister were experiencing in DC. She talked, I listened.
Quite a contrast, to where my life is focused these days. A dear friend is in hospice care; at age 67, is she ready to let go? And I am about to head out to visit a friend hospitalized last night with pneumonia and a massive heart attack; at age 92, is she ready to let go? I don’t know; they don’t know. I continue to be amazed at the tenacity of human beings to hold onto life, whether they feel God’s presence or not. I love picturing my sisters buzzing about DC, and I’m looking forward to a sisters’ trip in March with them. The universe needs balance: of life energy and letting go energy; of museums and hospice beds; of talking and listening. My sister and I also part of the balance.  If you want to be challenged by scripture, read different translations of the same Biblical verse. The other day I came across Isaiah 1:18 in the King James Version (KJV):
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the Lord. With the election only a couple of day behind us, the verse resonated. I liked it! But when I looked it up in the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)—(no quotation marks), my considerations became more complex. Come now, let us argue it out, says the Lord. There is no correct translation, but different translations promote deeper thought. The KJV suggests an ease. The NRSV implies that reasoning together is much more involved and complex, that it isn’t all that simple. But what about the word argue? I was brought up in a household where arguing was not ‘allow’. Reasoning, yes, arguing, no. Clearly I’m not finished with this one.  One of my favorite prayers is verse 10 in Psalm 51: Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. I so long for a clean heart and right spirit, but the judgments and anger that I lay on others stop me short. I am aware that scripture tells me again and again to pray for my enemies, to make amends with my friends, and to forgive those who trespass against me. But how to do this? I’m blessed enough to know that it has to do with prayer, but what kind of prayer?
In my prayer diary I have penciled off a section in which I write the names of people that I’m angry with, people that I judge negatively. Part of my prayer for them is that I can forgive myself for these judgments. Um, it just may be the most important prayer I can offer to cleans my heart and renew a right spirit with me. |
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