Last week I discovered how easy it is for me to let go of my usual prayer practice. As I forgive myself (once again), I want to recommit (once again) to the stability that the monastic tradition that passed on through the centuries. We are told to stay in our cell, for it is there that we will come to know all that we need to know. The Rule of St. Benedict tells us, “Listen carefully with the ear of your heart.” That calls for attention to the seasons of my faith.
I aware that catastrophic news events can detract from my prayer life. On one level I’m praying all the time, but on another I am distracted from my usual prayer and meditation routine. Maybe I need to remember that Christianity is a seasonal faith with the yearly church calendar of Advent and Christmas, Lent and Easter, and Ordinary Time, Our lives, and surely our prayer lives, reflect this in an arbitrary and seeming random fashion—anticipation, birth, suffering, little deaths, resurrections, and all those time when nothing much seems to be happening.
Last week I discovered how easy it is for me to let go of my usual prayer practice. As I forgive myself (once again), I want to recommit (once again) to the stability that the monastic tradition that passed on through the centuries. We are told to stay in our cell, for it is there that we will come to know all that we need to know. The Rule of St. Benedict tells us, “Listen carefully with the ear of your heart.” That calls for attention to the seasons of my faith.
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I had something else in mind to blog about today but it will have to wait. A Face Book friend posted the following and I just have to share it. Jesus talks about forgiveness, and here it is, parents forgiving the murderer of their daughter. Forgiveness was central to their faith, and doing so in this horrific situation, it kept them faithful.
Please, take the time to read the article. At the moment I don't know how to add a link. Hopefully you can find it with the information below. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/06/magazine/can-forgiveness-play-a-role-in-criminal-justice.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 One of my favorite prayers is verse 10 in Psalm 51: Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. I so long for a clean heart and right spirit, but the judgments and anger that I lay on others stop me short. I am aware that scripture tells me again and again to pray for my enemies, to make amends with my friends, and to forgive those who trespass against me. But how to do this? I’m blessed enough to know that it has to do with prayer, but what kind of prayer? In my prayer diary I have penciled off a section in which I write the names of people that I’m angry with, people that I judge negatively. Part of my prayer for them is that I can forgive myself for these judgments. Um, it just may be the most important prayer I can offer to cleans my heart and renew a right spirit with me. I’m thinking about forgiveness again, a topic that I figure will come up from time to time for the rest of my life. After all, it appears in all faith traditions, and is central to Christianity. Why would I be exempt? Here’s my latest vignette, which, as I write, seems so foolish and trivial. But hurt feelings are hurt feelings, and I was feeling hurt. In summary, I was hurt that someone didn’t responded to an email I sent, and so I started making up bad reasons why they didn’t. Their bad, of course. “But wait a minute,” I told myself. “Stop making all that up; stop blaming. Talk to the person, or let it go. But whatever you do, forgive yourself for not looking and seeing through a God lens. Musee de Cluny “But there is forgiveness with you, so that you may be revered,” so the Psalmist says to God. (Psalm 130.4.) I’ve been meditating on this verse for the past few days, and it continues to give me comfort. If God weren’t forgiving, I’d be hard-pressed to revere God. Instead God would be a tyrant, a dictator and I’d have no choice but to give up believing in God. Fortunately I was brought up in a church that proclaimed a loving God, a forgiving God, and, believe me, I need to be forgiven all the time. But my God is not just a forgiving friend. I need more than that; I need a God to revere--to regard with respect tinged with awe, to venerate. God forgives me; I venerate God. It’s a deal that works. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” You know that one; we say it all the time and I admit that it’s quite the norm for me to repeat the words without thinking about them at all. Like The Jesus Prayer they go right to my subconscious, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The repetition sink in, which is all for the good. Good also happens when we consciously ponder the words, which I did this morning. It occurred to me that as far as forgiving others their trespasses, that not a big issue for me. I don’t hold many grudges; I usually don’t feel attacked by what others do; I don’t take much personally. It just isn’t where my energy needs to go. Instead, my forgiving focuses on forgiving myself. Perhaps that’s where vanity comes in, taking the sinful form of wanting to be perfect. If I could treat myself like I treat others, if I could forgive myself as easily as I forgive others, God’s will would “be done on earth as it is in heaven.” The little boy with terminal cancer is now with God. He is no longer suffering. Please pray for his family. We are into Holy Week, and true to my Protestant upbringing, I’d like to pass over the week, perhaps spending a few minutes on Good Friday remembering Jesus on the cross, and then waiting for Easter morning. Who wants to deal with suffering? Although this tradition is deeply embedded in my psyche, I notice I’m shifting a little. Of course, I like to take the credit for pushing myself to look at the suffering, but I know that it is God who isn’t letting me forget, and helping me remember. I’m rereading Christ’s Passion, Our Passions: Reflections on the Seven Last Words from the Cross, by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas. You’d think that the first saying she has chosen, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), would be easy. But no! How easy is it to tell yourself or someone else, “I forgive you,” and mean it? Forgiving is about facing the pain, our own and that of others; it is about the pain we have inflected and the pain that we feel. Bullitt-Jonas suggests that to forgive we must face the damage that has been done, give an honest self-examination, and pray, and perhaps take action. I’d say that in most situations I forgive little things that happen; I don’t hold many petty grudges. But, I am aware that I carry some long-time resentments that have become such a part of me that I’m not even conscious that I need to forgive. That’s what this Lenten walk through Holy Week is all about for me. If forgiveness of self and others brings me closer to God, it’s worth a try. |
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